Pride, Joy, and Love: An Introduction to My Roberta
So I have told you all a story about 4 of my 5 kids. I mentioned Christine on Mother’s Day, Joey on his birthday, Artie and Isabella with co-occurring disorders, but I haven’t introduced you to Roberta. I went to visit her in California, but you haven’t really met or gotten to know her. Since June is National Pride Month, when we honor the struggle for equal rights and celebrate the LGBTQ+ community, it seemed fitting to share the story about how I learned Roberta was part of that community.
My Roberta, My Pride and Joy
Roberta Frances is 27 years old. She was named after my mother, Roberta, and my grandmother, Frances Cereghino. I come from a line of smart, strong women who didn’t take crap from people. In other words, I named her very appropriately. All of my children are bright and have their individual talents, but Roberta is the smartest person I know. Brilliant is a more fitting verb.
I have never checked her IQ, but she has to be near genius level. My child has more knowledge in her 27 years then I do in my 55. I have five kids with a similar sense of humor, sarcasm, and love of the outdoors – but at the same time, they couldn’t be more different. As I put it in my about me page, I am the mom of my own breakfast club. Roberta is my progressive activist. Those were her words and when I asked her what that meant this was her explanation:
“For centuries, colonialism, white supremacy culture, and capitalism have established a ruling class. That ruling class failed to create a society that upholds its stated values: freedom, equality and the right to pursue happiness. While building a system of oppression that hoards resources for the wealthy, that same ruling class have actively destroyed the natural world. Activism is the most productive way I have found to oppose the blatant injustices that have become our status quo.”
Roberta
In other words, she doesn’t like the political climate and direction our country is taking in regards to our people and the natural world, so she actively protests.
Notice the difference in our explanations?
Some Background on Roberta
When I birthed her, my body went through extreme changes and hormonal chaos. I had gained 22 pounds but lost 35+ within a few weeks. They had to check me for TB because I was so thin and sickly and sweat profusely. My once straight hair was now curly, and my previous full D breasts went down to a small B cup. I guess I should have seen the writing on the wall. To say she was willful be an understatement.
My beautiful girl played three sports a year, performed in musicals, danced five nights a week, and performing on weekends. She was also the class president and always held a job. Roberta was an overachiever. I honestly don’t know how she did it! She was only 1 of 5, so as the official chauffeur, it wasn’t easy on me either.
Roberta had a few long-term boyfriends through HS, and then there were some that adored her but never made any headway. You could say she broke a few hearts in her teenage years. When she got to college, I didn’t hear much about her love life. I assumed she dated but never really met anyone worthwhile.
The Other Shoe Drops
It was the spring of 2010 when I got a phone call…
“Hi Honey! What’s up?”
I could hear that tone of voice – you know the one when you wait for the other shoe to drop? I think you all probably know the one I am talking about with your own children. Maybe it was my mother’s intuition? Mine is pretty damn good. I am sure there was some small talk before we got to the part I was waiting for …
“I’m dating somebody.”
All these thoughts are running through my head … ok -that’s nice, but what is going on? Are you pregnant? I can’t remember what she told me because all I heard was;
“SHE was blah blah blah …” (Apparently, Roberta told me she said she met her in a dance class, but again – I don’t remember)
It blew my mind. Admittedly, I was shocked and a little numb. I mistakenly thought that nothing could ever surprise me at this point. Dear God, haven’t I been thrown enough curveballs with my own life? I didn’t know there was anything left that one of my kids hadn’t thrown at me. This was not one of those ‘kids say the darndest things’ moments. I knew I had to handle it well, but how do you do that? I have no issue at all with people’s sexuality. Everyone has the right to be exactly who they are and who they want to be, but when it comes out of left field from your own kid, what do you say? I didn’t come right out and say “ It’s ok honey, I love you just the way you are.” A conversation ensued, but they were more questions like;
“Are you telling me you are gay?”
“I don’t understand; You like boys too?”
“How can that be?”
I am not ignorant, I know about bisexuality, but when it’s your kid, your brains go out the window, and your tongue suddenly swells up with stupidity. She was trying to explain to me that she loves who she loves. Roberta would not be labeled but considers herself queer. I was trying to wrap my head around it, but it wasn’t easy.
Life Goes On
I kept it to myself until a few days later, when I got another phone call from Roberta calling to tell me she is in the hospital. She was admitted to the hospital with severe abdominal pain and a 104 temperature, but they couldn’t diagnose her illness. I called my father, who lived in Maryland with his girlfriend. Truthfully, I threatened him and told him if he didn’t go to the hospital right at that moment, I would never talk to him again. He knew I meant it. For once, he needed to step up and do something for his family. I told him not to leave until I got there and to make sure she was taken care of, I was going to get there as soon as I could.
In usual fashion, my life was in turmoil, and I was due to manage an all-star softball game that same morning. One coach was suspended, and the other left for vacation. If I didn’t go to the game, it would be an automatic forfeit. We drove over an hour north only to discover the game was rained out. Yep – that’s the way we roll! I got back in my car for the long ride to Maryland.
My superhero brothers dropped everything and drove me down so they could drive her car back home. I knew I wasn’t going to leave her in a crappy underfunded hospital. The plan was to break her out of the hospital and bring her back to White Plains Hospital. She would need her car to get back to school. I was first and foremost scared for her health because I didn’t know what was going on but I also knew that I was going to have to meet her girlfriend.
So somehow on the way to Maryland, I was going to have to tell my brothers that their niece, my daughter, had a girlfriend and they were going to meet her too. I knew it was going to be an awkward moment, but first and foremost, I am an overprotective Mom. I knew that if my brothers said the wrong thing, they were going to hear my wrath. They were caught off guard and a little speechless, but supportive. I was kind of proud of them for that!
When we got to the hospital, and I met this young lady – I didn’t like her. It wasn’t because she “turned my daughter gay.” (I know that doesn’t happen and it amazes me some people think that it does. I am trying to make a point) I didn’t like her because she was a whiny, mousey little girl. All I thought was if you must have a girlfriend, she should at least be a strong, intellectual, enigmatic girl who is going to challenge you. I knew at that moment, I would be okay with her sexuality and had accepted it.
Final Thoughts
I am not going to say that there still hasn’t been a huge learning curve. It was difficult for me to understand that Roberta didn’t have a preference and would not label herself. I couldn’t understand how you don’t either like penis’ or vaginas.
How ignorant does that sound?
I have to be honest – I just wanted her to choose to be gay or straight. It seemed black or white to me, but I’ve come to understand there is a whole rainbow in the middle. I thought it would be so much easier for her if she chose a category, but that may never happen and it’s ok. It’s her life and she will make her own decisions.
I love my little girl no matter what. I don’t care who she picks, but I do still hope that the person she chooses is smart, strong, and challenges her because gender aside, that person will have won a great woman with a big heart who loves fiercely and will never be boring.
Love is Love, and I am the proud Momma of a beautiful, vibrant, smart woman who is part of the rainbow! May she forever wave her flag for any injustices until human rights are truly equal for all. I have nothing but pride for my beautiful, Roberta Frances!
My friends, God loves us all. I truly believe he created that rainbow full of beauty and different colors for us all to love and enjoy, as we should each other.
*Update: Roberta is now 30 and currently engaged to a transgender man whom we love and couldn’t be more proud to have as a part of our family.*
With Love and Respect for All,
Sandy xoxo