Menopause and the Mid-Life Crisis

A few months ago when I was jotting down ideas of what to write about, I had written down ‘what happens when you hit the 50’s.’  Every once in a while, I want to practice my comedic voice and write fun posts.  This is a perfect subject because I believe you have to see the humor to get through menopause.  Otherwise, it may become a viable reason for defense in a court of law for why we may physically hurt people during these years…

Previous Decades

When you turn 30, it’s all fun and games. It is also the start of the “every decade you get a surprise party” tradition.  That’s ok, but for me, it was when I decided I had some growing up to do.  On my 30th birthday, I rolled out of bed and quickly ran to the bathroom before I threw up.  I am pretty sure that was my last hangover of that magnitude.  I had three little kids to raise.

Ten years pass and on the exact day of your 40th birthday, you roll over to get out of bed, and you feel a twinge in your back.  Hand on hip, you say to yourself “what the heck is that?”  As you get up to go to the bathroom, it takes you 10 seconds to straighten up, and the first few steps have a little limp.  Still a little confused as to what is going on, you sit on the bowl to pee, and it hits you – oh crap, I’m 40 today.  Crazy how that happens on the exact day!?!?  So I know the creaks and spasms are starting, but that’s ok, I am still only 40.  Now I have five kids, but still have more than half my life to go.  I plan on living to 94.

The Half-Century Milestone

A decade later… The 50’s!  Now you try to get out of bed after rolling around all night because your back hurts, your hip hurts, your husband snores, your hands keep falling asleep, etc.… When you finally get to the upright position, the bottoms of your feet hurt and the limp is more pronounced.  “Ooh ow ooh ow”  until you plop yourself down on the toilet bowl and sigh.  I know I will feel better when I get some coffee in me.  Then you go to brush your teeth and look in the mirror and say to yourself, “who is that and when did that happen?”  A sweet, family surprise party makes it official. For me, this is when menopause started … at 53.

I am not sure there is scientific proof for this and will google, but the biggest changes with the 50s seem to be revolved around the bladder.  I wake up every few hours at night because it seems like my bladder is full all the time.  When I sneeze, my hand immediately goes to the groin area in hopes that I didn’t just wet myself.  I have the same reaction when I cough.

A few years back, I was out with some friends, we were having a good laugh, and ya know what?  I did have a bit of an accident.  I think that was when the lack of control started.  So sneezing, coughing and laughing can now cause a bodily malfunction.  Lastly, it can now come out in all different directions.  Does anyone else have that problem? TMI?  Sorry!  It is what it is…

    ( BTW – I googled the bladder and  the 50’s thing and the constant night urinating is called Nocturia – so we do have a diagnosis.  Just a thought … maybe we can use that instead of headache.  “Honey, I can’t tonight.  I have nocturia.”   Sounds legit to me!)

 Yay-Menopause!

On the other hours during the night that I am not relieving myself, I am waking up because I am having a hot flash.  I can’t get those blankets off my legs and feet fast enough!  It doesn’t matter if it’s 20 degrees outside – it’s 110 in my body.  This goes on all night.  It doesn’t matter how little I wear; it just happens anyway.  At this juncture, I am not going to sleep naked!  If I did that, my husband would think every night is his lucky night and that isn’t happening either…

The dryness that comes with menopause is ridiculous.  I am not sure what God’s plan is with that? We have periods, babies, tampons go in and out for 40 years and then bam!  Men need to understand that while their joystick is for nothing but happiness, (and to ever so slightly aid in reproduction), that our counterpart to their joy has a lot more going on.

She (the vagina) goes through wars every month, takes a beating during childbirth and gets UTI’s – it just isn’t the same thing.  I would like to be able to say it is our happy place too, and maybe once in a while it is, but we have also been tortured there, and sometimes we have PTSD.  That sucker (again, the vagina) must be indestructible for what it endures. But shouldn’t there be relief with menopause? Shouldn’t there be some sort of retirement instead of more pain?

Women are so much stronger inside and out.  I do believe that is why we have the babies and for that, I am so grateful.  That is a bond like no other.  I loved carrying my babies, and those 45 months were some of the best of my life!

How about that Vision?

The eyesight … I don’t like the fact that I can’t see clearly without those reading glasses, but that plan of God’s I can understand.   We aren’t meant to see up close anymore.  We are supposed to see ourselves like you see older actresses on the big screen – foggy with a nice haze.  The 10x mirror is your friend and a curse.  You need it to put on makeup, or you might poke your eye out with the eyeliner.

Another plus is that you can see those random facial hairs growing out of your chin and pluck them before anyone else sees them.  On the flip side of that, you can see every freaking wrinkle.  Whatever you do, don’t look into the mirror with face down,  It will scare the hell out of you!  It’s like the scary mask with the weird stretchy skin.

I also can’t lay in the sun anymore, so this year I started using the fake tan stuff for some color.  Everyone said there isn’t a good brand and they all make you look orangey and blotchy.   I imagine looking into the 10x mirror with fake tan stuff would look something like … (click here)

Menopause and Memory

I can’t remember what I was just going to say … enough said?

Bright Side of 50

The 50’s is also when you start to get the appreciation from your kids.  Hopefully, you are as blessed as I am, and they have become your friends.  They tell you how grateful they are to have you as a Mom and give you cards telling you so.  If you haven’t gotten there yet, you will!  It usually happens during their early 20s.  Somewhere around graduating from college and being out on their own. Menopause does come with a gift or two!

As this is the time of year for graduations, feel proud and accomplished.  All that hard work was worth it!  It’s ok that you are broke because you spent all your money on keeping your kids healthy and educated.  Something I have to keep reminding myself of these days.  As the commercial goes:

Buying a house for five kids (way back in the day) – $310,000,

College – $80,000 +

Sports –  $85,000 +

Funding their lives until they got a job at 15 – $2,000,000 +

Having five great kids, a growing family,  all this love and oodles of memories ….. priceless!

Mid-Life Crisis Part of Menopause

For me, I had to start a new life.  I was struggling after Isabella went off to college in September.  My 4th kid had left the nest, and I was feeling the blues.  I needed a new purpose – what am I going to do?  God speaks to us through many people, but you have to be open to hearing it.

I went with my daughter, Christine, and my Mom to see a psychic healer.  The things that stood out are that she told me I have one foot in and one foot out of my future.  I need to put both feet forward.  She also said to me that a friend was going to approach me with an idea of a new business and it would be creative.  I kinda giggled and told her that I don’t have a creative bone in my body.  She told me I was wrong, and within a year, I would be doing whatever this was.

Somewhere around the same time, I had written a post involving two kids from our local area that had committed suicide.  The post had gotten a lot of responses and my friend, Teri, commented to me that I had a way of reaching people and suggested I write a blog.  I was kind of like – what?  I don’t know anything about writing a blog.

A few days later while not sleeping, (more menopause fun) I started thinking about it.  Writing could be considered creative, and I always wanted to write.  It made me wonder, is that it?  Am I supposed to write?

A week or so after that, my friend and hairdresser, Cindy called and said she and another friend, Karmen, wanted to go out to lunch and talk to me about something.  They knew I was struggling with what to do and I needed some kind of a career.  Lunch never worked out, but Cindy persisted and came over one day to visit my grandbabies.  After a bit of time, she said:

“ Karmen and I were talking, and we think you should write a blog.”

Honestly, I got a little emotional.  It was quite clear that God was talking to me through my friends!  He said you didn’t listen to me the first couple times I was telling you, so now I am going to hit you over the head.

So I think I found my purpose and you are reading it.  Being able to write has always been a gift, but I never worked on it.  Now is my chance –  I can do what was always in my heart and hopefully, one day write a book.  I always tell people it is never too late to pursue your dreams, well now I have to practice what I preach.

On Another Note

This week came with some sad stories of suicide involving a couple of famous people and brought light again to a growing epidemic.  I want to reiterate to everyone –  if you ever need an ear, I AM HERE!  Call me, message me, email me, text me – the fastest way to get me is always via text.   I promise that I will drop everything if you are in crisis.  #empathy #compassion #humankindness

National Suicide Prevention Line is – 1-800-273-8255.

You can also reach out to me at Ask Sandy with any menopause funnies or questions.

Much Love and always here to talk or listen and help in any way I can …

Sandy

#enlighten #empower #inspire #educate and #bekind to women over 50, you never know when they smack you.