A Walk In The Woods
“And into the forest I go, to lose my mind and find my soul … ”
John Muir
How many thoughts ran through my mind as I was taking a walk through the woods this past week. I was looking for some solitude and doing my favorite kind of therapy … taking in an abundance of nature with music blasting in my earbuds.
I was walking at quite a clip for the first few miles. My hands were waving in the air, and at times, playing those fictitious drums with sporadic moments of air guitar. When I couldn’t contain myself any longer, I looked up and down the path, and seeing nobody, took the opportunity to show off my dance moves to the trees. Adventures of a Lifetime by Coldplay was playing and I felt so free.
“I feel my heart beating because you make me feel like I’m alive again …”
Yes, Coldplay was the next block on my playlist. One of my favorite spiritual bands and always my go-to for putting me in touch with my emotions. After a few minutes, I stopped to eat a few raspberries and danced a little bit more when a bird flew into my path.
This little guy stayed with me for a few minutes and did their own dance up the path in front of me. I can’t help but let out a little giggle and think this must be my sister-in-law, Debra, saying hello. She probably saw me being silly and wanted to dance with me. I could picture her smiling and having fun with the moment. She passed away from cancer in April and these amazing creatures were a hobby for her.
Debra shared that love with her niece and nephew and it wasn’t her first visit with us … these pictures below were from Mother’s Day. My brother and mom had just left when we looked out the window and saw this beautiful white bird hanging on our chair. She hung out with us for 25 minutes before flying away. Even Gavin, her nephew (my grandson) was calling it Aunt Debra. How can you not believe?
As I continued on the path I started reflecting. About to hit 60 years of age, memories of other birthdays start to go through my mind. I think back to my 48th when I was stuck in the hospital with Joe newly diagnosed with leukemia, my amazing friends surprised me with a party at the hospital. So many beautiful women in my life brought my favorite Indian food and wine and we celebrated life. I was so honored.
As this memory brings tears to my eyes, I remember my surprise 50th. We only had a month to go before Joe would be done with his treatment, something to truly celebrate. But it was also one of the last times my younger brother’s wife, Leslie, would be celebrating with us because of a glioblastoma rapidly growing in her head.
The angels sing from up above …
is the line playing in my earbuds and I know they are both with me. The tears are flowing behind my sunglasses as I feel the presence of both these angels. My emotions are mixed. I feel sorrow but also a kind of peace … sad they can’t be here in person but I am comforted knowing their spirits are still around me.
Then comes Everglow …
They say people come and say people go, this particular diamond is extra special
And though you may be gone and the world may not know,
still I see you, celestial.
The music and nature are all talking to me and I have to slow down to take it all in.
I know that you’re always with me, and the way you will show
and you’re with me wherever I go.
I stop and look up through the trees as if I am looking toward heaven, but I know heaven is all around me; the sun peeking through the swaying leaves, the butterflies bouncing up and down on the flowers, and the birds soaring in a blue sky.
If you love someone you should let them know, the light that you left me will Everglow.
The light that they left me was their deep belief in God and knowing they were going to a better place. Leslie didn’t speak so much in her last couple of weeks but her hand was always stretched up in the air and we knew to whom and where she was reaching. She wasn’t afraid.
Debra was able to share her beliefs up until the end. She also showed no fear. She was going to be with her son, her best friend, and her God. Debra looked forward to heaven and my last vision of her was one of peace with a smile on her face and a small tear in her eye. Truly a beautiful moment and one I will treasure forever.
I slowed down the rest of the way back and just took in the beauty. If I hadn’t, I would have missed all this life.
I didn’t realize just how much I needed that walk …
With an abundance of love in my heart,
Sandy xoxo
Nice ‘hearing’ from you again. What you wrote made me both sad and happy. Memories started coming back. I remembered my son who died ten years ago. When I was a teenager, I lost my father to a car accident. Months after that, his mother(my beloved grandma) also left us. And just recently, my sister died of stroke. When my father died, I felt so guilty I blamed myself for years although I wasn’t with him when the accident happened. I thought that if I had been the better or best daughter for him, If I understood and learned the reason why he suddenly turned to drinking, maybe he was still here with us. Maybe I was able to comfort him. But I was so young then and did not understand what was happening in my family. I thought I have forgiven myself already. But when my son died, it was so painful and I blamed myself again for not seeing and feeling that my son will leave us. I was asking myself, I was the mother, why didn’t I sense anything. Am I really this stupid? Did I not care enough just like with my father? God knows I loved them so much. The pain is still here but I want to believe I have healed and accepted everything. Though I live in the city, just like you, I try to take I walk just by myself. I needed that so much. It also helps that I do have a journal where I can pour my heart out. I also engage in different arts and craft. They help a lot in my healing. I appreciate life more as I get older. I’ve lost a lot of my loved ones and also some of my friends whom I have known since I was a child. I’m thankful I’m still given this chance, to still be with my other kids and grandkids. Thank you Sandy. I’m happy to have discovered your blog(is this the right term?)..would love to ‘hear’ from you again.
Hi Gigi! I am so happy you found me. When I saw the Gigi, at first I thought it was my mom. I am not sure if you read through my other blogs, but it sounds like we have a lot in common. Although I have not lost a child, I have lost 3 nephews. I am so sorry for the pain you must go through in your grief. I have also lost too many friends to cancer and loved ones to issues with alcoholism. As far as blaming yourself, please don’t. Sometimes, it’s really hard to see what is in front of us because we love so much. The pain never goes away, but there wouldn’t be pain if there wasn’t so much love. I hope you have truly forgiven yourself. I can promise you that your loved ones are in heaven somehow sending you signs telling you to stop blaming yourself. J wish I had kept a journal all these years because it is such great therapy. The only journal I keep is the blogs I start and don’t finish, but it’s still writing and therapeutic. I used to write every week for over 3 years but life has taken me in different directions and now I am very sporadic. Thank you so much for commenting – it means so much to me when I hear from people I have touched. I hope you will “hear” from me again soon. I do have another one written but I am a little nervous about putting it out so who knows. xoxo