Walking Thru This Emotional Rollercoaster
I need to get off of this freaking ride. This week marks one month of quarantine and the emotional roller coaster continues. Maybe I should call this post more ramblings of a madwoman? I had times where I was worried I may actually be going mad and others where I was just plain angry. Some days, I felt so at peace. This myriad of emotions is out of control. Is it just me? If I couldn’t get out and walk, I would fear for my mental state.
This Weeks Ride of Emotions
Last Sunday was Easter. I usually host, so I have to say having a quiet, peaceful day was okay. The day started with a friend’s birthday parade, then we donated blood, went for a hike, and ate a delicious dinner. I was genuinely happy and at peace. Instagram pictures here!
Monday was a stormy day. They didn’t call it a nor’ easter, but it had to be. The rain was torrential and the wind was strong enough to bring trees down. I have to say that I love a good storm, so I was feeling calm and cozy all day while watching it out the window. During a card game with Artie and Bella, my daughter says she feels like God is washing away all the germs with the rain and the wind so we can start anew. I felt that was very prophetic and hopeful – one of those proud momma moments. Plus, I DO love when my kids mention God.
At 6 o’clock, the sun came out, and the temperature was 62. We were all sitting on the couch watching TV, and my son suggested going for a walk. So we did! Three of us were walking while Bella was on her bike. We were taking bets on whether she would make it all the way up a long, steep hill without stopping.
While we were bantering and betting, we saw some people coming towards us. We smiled at each other and remarked on what a beautiful evening it was to take a walk. The other woman said she would never make it on a bike. I laughed and said I don’t know how to ride a bike.
All was right with the world for that moment.
We had probably been walking for about 20 minutes, approaching our destination to watch the sunset at the Kensico Dam. Across the street, we see a few more neighbors and wave hello. It was getting a little darker and less sunny when Bella turned on her bike and said, it’s starting to drizzle. I felt the raindrops but was confident it would pass. Onward and upward we go!
Two minutes later, my husband yells from behind that he is going back. According to him, rain is coming, and he shows us a cloud. I don’t think so, and I figure he can go back, and we will keep walking. Before I even finished that thought, the raindrops felt a little harder. Hmmm … maybe we should go back. Bella laughed, bragging to be on her bike and tells us she will get her car and come back to get us.
About thirty seconds later, the heavens open up, and the wind is gusting again. If I had been twenty pounds lighter, it would have knocked me on my ass.
What did I do? I put up my arms and flew like an airplane running towards home. I was hysterical laughing, realizing that I never walked in the rain. It felt soooo good and freeing! I looked up and embraced the weather as it hit my face with my mind going to Bella’s quote from earlier in the day; let the rain wash over and cleanse me.
Why not laugh and run in the rain like a kid? It’s great to be alive! That feeling of giddiness continued all the way home. By the time Bella finally got to us, we must have walked/run a good 10-15 minutes in the torrential rain. I was still giddy with laughter and thought what a beautiful day. Two days in a row!
Tuesday, not so much …
It felt like everyone was under my feet. I didn’t sleep well and needed some space. I had two good days and then, WHAM! Being all domesticated has got me crazy, and I am over it. I don’t want to do this anymore. I don’t want to cook dinner, I don’t want to vacuum, and I don’t want to do any more homeschooling.
Fuck this shit.
Around 5 o’clock, my husband asks me if I want to go for a walk and I acknowledge that I already am. I don’t want any company. I need to put on my headphones and be alone. Out the door, I head to my current favorite spot – the cemetery. My place for peace where nobody is talking. As I am approaching the entrance, again, I see some neighbors. I wave and keep walking.
I barely acknowledged them, but I can’t stop. They probably don’t read this, but I apologize. Truthfully, I did this same thing to other neighbors a couple of weeks before. Please understand, I have to move and get past this place of anger I am in. I get to a point of frustration where I just need my fucking space, and if you come near me, then it’s on you. I am pretty sure the skeleton with the crossbones is drawn on my forehead.
If you ever need a change in attitude, you need to put on some Coldplay. There is something about the words and music that brings me back to a place of peace. Then Pink will come on, and the songs I have downloaded are a little more headbanging so I can release some anger. If you were a bird or a ghost in the cemetery, you may have noticed me break into a dance or two like a knucklehead.
Forty-five minutes later, I feel a little more human. I could finally head home to finish making a nice dinner. If I had seen those same neighbors now, I would have taken off my headphones and stopped to say hello. I just couldn’t do it before. It’s hard to explain the sudden urgency I have to get rid of my rage.
We had a great dinner, and all settled in to watch a movie together. I am okay again.
That night, I couldn’t sleep. I was up until 3 am deciding if I was going to cut my hair all off the next day. My two sons were going to shave their heads, and I was thinking I may too. Why not?
My hair was getting on my nerves. It was long, and all I do is pull it back. The roots are white, and I can’t get it colored so maybe I should let it go and cut it all off? I will do a 3 and have my husband cut it back to the gray. Or what if I keep the top long and shave the rest? Maybe I will cut it all and color it green or purple … those are my favorite colors. What should I do??? Three hours straight. I had to take a Xanax and still couldn’t sleep.
At the same time, I am thinking about that line from Alice in Wonderland – we’re all mad here.
I kept wondering, am I losing my mind? First, I was hysterical laughing in the rain, and now I am contemplating shaving my head and letting the gray go. What is wrong with me? Am I really going to allow my husband, a barber, to cut my hair all off?
Maybe I am not going crazy, and I am just being silly and living in the moments? Or realizing life is too short, and who cares?
I really needed to go to sleep.
The next day was Joe’s 19th birthday. It was wonderful! So much love was shown for my little man. He had two parades, lots of texts, messages, calls, etc .… It felt so good to see people and have conversations even if it is from a distance. I posted videos and pics on Facebook, so you can see here. Do you know what else happened?
Funny enough, as I was sending my pictures to Christine, she sent me back her own! Her husband isn’t even a barber so I guess we were all a little mad that day.
Thursday, I woke up on the side of anger and frustration.
Again, I have not slept much, and then comes the news that we are sentenced to another 30 days of lockdown. I am on the verge of an emotional meltdown and tell my husband the good news (sarcasm). I had to repeat it a few times because he didn’t want me to be right. He falls on the nonessential list, so this isn’t taken very well. He sucks it up, but I know internally that his gut is twisting.
Zoom classes with Joe were freaking me out. Everyone talks over everyone, and he doesn’t assert himself enough. I wanted to throw the computer out the freaking window and ended up yelling at him in my frustration. It wasn’t my best Mom moment.
The walk that snapped me out of that had to be on the treadmill, also known as the stressmill. Unfortunately, it was a little cold and getting dark, so I couldn’t get outside. At one point, my husband came down to ask me a question, took one look at me, and said he would ask later while retreating back up the stairs. The skull and crossbones are back.
But after 45 minutes of walking, some push-ups, and numerous squats later, I could breathe a little bit again. Maybe now I can get through my evening? I got off and poured myself a drink. Everyone was already told they were on there own for dinner. The damn treadmill doesn’t work as well as being outside.
At 9 pm, I got a text from a friend who wanted to drop off a present for Joe. I told her she could come in because I wasn’t afraid and 5 minutes later, they were at the door.
Tears welled up in my eyes … she said she was giving hugs and didn’t care, and I gladly accepted. For over an hour, Bella and I chatted with my friend and her daughter. We may have been on opposite ends of the couch, but we laughed and damn, it felt good. I needed some human contact.
Friday’s Emotions …
Just more of the same. The homeschooling went until 6:10 pm and I wanted to slam a few things and scream. Ok – maybe more than a few things. I was never an emotional eater, but now cake is looking good for breakfast and the gallon of chocolate pudding my son made is almost gone. An hour on the stressmill was definitely in order.
Don’t get me wrong … this lady is counting her blessings all day. I am aware that my family has their health and that is what’s most important. I pray like I did when my little man was sick and I felt my world collapsing. Yes, this too will get better, but I would be lying if I pretended that I was handling this with grace and the gratitude I should have every day.
Maybe next week I can be more inspiring? I hope so … but it depends on what hill I am going up or what bend I am going around on this freaking emotional roller coaster in my head.
I can’t imagine the anxiety of those on the front lines or others suffering alone with this illness – God Bless you and know that I am praying for your health and strength to persevere.
Let me leave you all with one of my favorite Coldplay songs … a song of hope.
Much Love and many prayers always,
Sandy
#enlighten #empower #inspire ? #keepingitreal #alwayshopeful #praying #BeKind
👌