Sometimes I Just Want to be Alone

Monday, June 25, 2018:

Today I had a rough day.  It started yesterday.  I figured my mood was because I was exhausted.  I usually stay up all night editing my blog over and over until it is just right or until I can’t look at it anymore because I am going to be ill.  In my head, it has to be perfect.  Yesterday I didn’t want to do anything.  Why can’t you have one day where nobody wants anything from you and doesn’t ask any questions and quite honestly, doesn’t even know your name? 

There are days when the name “Mom” is like nails on a chalkboard.  It doesn’t happen very often, but it happens. Then I think to myself that it isn’t nice and I do not wish away my kids.  God forbid anything happened to them — would it be my fault because I thought that I hoped everyone would leave me alone?  I am one of those crazy believers in putting things out into the atmosphere.   I have experienced that fear of almost losing a child in real life – I pray,  never again.

There Is No Explanation, But I Will Be OK

Sometimes I am just tired and want to be alone.  Why do I need to have an explanation for that?  It is, what it is.  I WANT TO BE ALONE even if only for an hour or 2.  Is there ever a day when you don’t have to think about something?  How does one clear their mind?  I know I am a strong human being – but every once in a while I want everyone to leave me alone.

Don’t ask me if I can do this or do that unless it is fun and not an obligation. Sometimes the obligations are killing me (and I don’t mean that literally).  Anger creeps in, and I want to explode.  I can control it because I have to, but what would it be like to lose it?  Please do not feel sorry for me – it just is what it is!  I will get through it and maybe even apologize for my mood – although I shouldn’t have to.

I am writing this sitting outside because I am hoping the beauty and peacefulness will make me feel better.  Maybe I just need some vitamin D.  I will let you know in the end if it worked. Thank God it only happens once in a while – maybe 2 or 3 times a year.  Can you imagine the people who can’t stop feeling that way?  I am so sorry for them.  They try to make it go away too, but they just can’t.

My daughter left about 20 minutes ago after picking up her kids and can’t understand what the matter is or why I am in this mood.  I tried to give her a couple of reasons, but at the same time I am telling her ‘I just need some space.’ Is it something she did?  Maybe – maybe not.  I DON’T KNOW!  Maybe it’s the menopause?  I don’t have an explanation, I don’t want to give you an explanation, maybe there are many reasons – I DON’T KNOW – it is what it is and let me be.  I will get over it like I always do.  What about the people who don’t and can’t get over it?

I have been this way for years.  It usually happens during the winter and sometime again in the summer.  I start to feel sorry for myself.  My life is far from perfect.  I don’t want to worry about money anymore.  I don’t want to worry about what is going to happen with Joe as he gets older.  I don’t want to worry about being successful in a new career or the fight I fight to keep up the positive attitude that will keep me plugging along.  I do have confidence, but every once in a while, that lack of self-esteem kicks in.

I know I will be ok and am grateful to have a good roof over my head, food on my table and great kids, but sometimes it isn’t enough.  Sometimes I want the new kitchen, I want somebody to redo my whole yard, I want a bigger closet and a bigger bathroom!  I do want more!  I know it’s ok to feel that way and it will go away in a couple of days.  I will go back to being grateful for everything I have, but for yesterday and today and maybe tomorrow or the next day, for some reason this is how I feel.  I DON’T KNOW WHY… But I do.

I don’t watch the news anymore – nor do I want to.  It is sooooo depressing. This world is effed up, and sometimes it seems like we are void of any empathy.  I know my misery and despair will go away in a few days.  I really do have excellent coping skills.  What happens to the people who don’t have that coping mechanism?

I keep looking up at the sky, looking at the leaves move as the wind blows and feeling so many things.  A plane flies by, and I wish I could be on it.  I don’t know if I want to be alone on it or just on it.  It would be interesting to be alone on a plane and not know where you are going and see where life takes you … Just thinking that made me smile to myself!  I have been outside for an hour now randomly looking up every once in a while and listening to the noises. When a bigger breeze comes, I think maybe God is talking to me and letting me know he is here.

I feel a little better already sitting out here and writing all this to you.  I have never kept a journal or a diary, but I can understand at this moment why it is an excellent tool to write down your feelings.  A book is non-judgmental.  Sometimes we just need somebody to talk to.  A person who will understand our every mood and emotion.  Somebody who will listen and understand.  It isn’t you, and it may not be any particular thing.  Maybe it is everything, or perhaps it is nothing at all.  I can’t imagine the poor people who feel this way all the time. Don’t judge me for this post; it is just how I feel.  I know God loves me and so do many people out there!  I am not feeling sorry for myself, or maybe I am?  I don’t know.  It just is….

I am only human.

Thank you for listening to me and know that I am always here to listen to you. Not judging, just listening and understanding.

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The preceding was written in about an hour of time this past Monday.  It was exactly how I was feeling as I was feeling it.  I did not edit it except for a few capital letters and a comma here and there.  I wanted you to feel it as I was feeling it.  100% real.  I knew as soon as I was done, this is what I am supposed to write about this week.

I know that different posts will touch different people.  It depends on what is going on in your individual lives.  It isn’t easy for me to throw my innermost thoughts, fears, and insecurities out there.  I debated whether I should or shouldn’t all week.  Every day I seemed to be in a different car on the emotional rollercoaster, and I couldn’t wait to get off that ride.   Are people going to think I am crazy?   Am I risking being successful in this very career I expressed my fears about earlier?  Perhaps, but if this touches one person,  then it’s all worth it.   That is why I am doing this, to help whoever understand that under the surface, we all have vulnerabilities.  Don’t be afraid to expose them or feel them – we are all only human.

With Love,

Sandy

#enlighten #empower #inspire #educate

PS:  I felt much better the last couple days – pray for those who just can’t.