College Advice From Students & A Mom

This is the time of year when you see all the recent graduates getting ready to go to college.  Even if your kid is a sophomore or a junior, like mine, this advice isn’t going to change.  Not much has changed in the 16-year span of college for my kids, so this should be timeless.  The only thing that will change is the price – going up!

I posted this a year ago, but have updated with a few new tidbits of knowledge since we are always learning as we go along.  This blog has tips for the parents, advice for the kids, and how to make it less stressful for all involved.  I interviewed a few girls from different schools and asked what their best advice was for incoming freshmen.  I also asked a few different kids this year, and everyone repeats the same things.  This may be geared more to girls, but there is plenty for boys too, it depends on how you read it…

Basic College advice from Students for Students

1.  Pace yourself and have a balanced life with school work and socializing.
2. Do not wait until the last minute to do work – this isn’t high school anymore.
3. As soon as school starts, get into the habit of going to the library to study.  There is a constant distraction in your room.
4. Take advantage of the free gym time and work out.  It helps keep balance.
5. Keep busy because too much downtime makes you lazy and gets you in trouble.
6. Going out should not be an obligation – go because you want to, not because you think you have to.
7. Don’t do your laundry on the weekend.  When you do it, set a timer for 5 minutes before the cycle ends.  If it ends and you are not there, it will get thrown all over. Somebody is always waiting.  Tuesday nights and during the day when you don’t have classes is highly recommended.
8. Keep your room clean: you won’t make friends if people think you are gross.  You will get talked about, and nobody will want to room with you.
9. People don’t flush or clean the seats after themselves, so you may want to have wipes with you.
10. Always wear shoes in the bathroom and flip-flops in the shower

Social Tips from Students for Students

The most anxiety of leaving home and going to college was definitely around the social life – NOT THE SCHOOL WORK!  They are just teenagers and it is perfectly normal for socializing to be their first concern.

1. Join intramural sports.  It is fun and helps to keep you out of trouble.
2. Put yourself out there and don’t stay in your room playing video games.
3. Don’t even put a TV in your room.  If you want to watch something, go in the common area and watch it.  There are always other kids in there and it’s a way of being social.
4. Join clubs that interest you.  Don’t join a club just because somebody else does, the friends you want to make will be the friends that you share an interest with.
5. Make all different friends and have a variety of social groups – this is college, not high school.
6. Don’t be surprised if you don’t meet your life-long friends in the first semester – it takes time, but it will come.
7. If you have problems with a roommate, be straightforward right away.  If they do something you don’t like or feel is disrespectful, tell them right away or it gets worse.  Not everyone can live together, but it doesn’t mean you can’t be friends.
8. Most importantly, do not be ashamed to be nervous because you are NOT alone.  It’s ok – own it and talk about it – do not keep it inside.  You learn when you talk to others, they all feel the same way.  If you feel you can’t talk to anyone, get help.  There are groups on campus and counselors that can help.  IT’S OK!!!  This is a big reason for the rise of anxiety (click for article) amongst college students.
9. When in the dorm with nothing to do, keep your door open so people know they can pop in and say hi.  If a door is always closed, people may think you don’t want to socialize.  

Tips on the College Party Life

The partying scene … your child is not a saint, and they may have a drink or 2 or 3.

1. Never leave a drink unattended.  If you think that is something your parents said to scare you, you are wrong!  It is real, and friends have been roofied.
2. Do not drink from any punch bowls at frat parties.  They are usually spiked with drugs, like Xanax and harder alcohol you don’t know about.  If you only have one drink and can’t figure out what is wrong with you, grab a friend and go to an ER.
3. Do not take an uber or a cab alone.
4. Don’t ever leave your friends without telling somebody where you are going and who you are with.
5. When you go out, have a DB – designated buddy.  Somebody who stays sober to make sure their friends are all safe and they get home in one piece.
6. Almost everyone has fake ID’s, so the same goes with the bars – NEVER LEAVE DRINKS UNATTENDED!
7. Stay away from freshmen boys because they are not looking for a relationship – they are newly wild and free and looking to get something else.
8. Stay away from all boys who have overindulged – if you really like them, wait until they are sober and then see what happens.
    

From a Mom’s Perspective:

Getting Ready and Moving In

1. Rent the refrigerator if your school offers it.  It costs the same as buying, but it isn’t worth the loading and unloading.  Most of the kids go off-campus by their 3rd year, and that place will have a fridge.
2. Do not buy the linens they offer.  This should be a quality time you get to spend with your kids before they leave the nest.  Personally, I like to feel the sheets, and they are cheaper at the Christmas Tree Shop or Kohls or B, B & B with a coupon.
3. Get the egg crates and a good, padded hypoallergenic mattress cover  – the beds are uncomfortable.  Also, get hypoallergenic pillow covers.
4. Do not make yourself crazy buying bins and knick-knacks for the room.  You will have to go to the store for food/water so find a Target or a Walmart near the school and buy whatever you are missing.  Worse comes to worst, there is Amazon Prime, and they wait a day.
5. If you can, go up a day early.  I had Bella volunteer to help move-in day so she could move in early.  It was less stress, and she met people in her dorm as she helped other freshmen move in.
6. Even not volunteering, it was nice to spend a quiet evening at a restaurant with just us – so what is another $100 on a hotel when you are spending thousands and thousands on college.
   

Safety and Other College Advice Tidbits

( A story from Isabella ). A bunch of my friends and I were enjoying music and dancing at a frat house.  I was walking through a crowd of people, and I felt pressure from a hand on my butt.  In shock and anger, I turned around immediately and was quickly able to determine who did it.  Before I was able to say anything to him, a guy friend of mine, Dara, who happened to be behind me at the time and saw what happened, grabbed the boy and said: “if you ever disrespect a woman like that again, we will have a situation.”

1. Mom advice on this situation would be to have your daughters take self-defense classes and tell your sons to be that boy who defended her honor!
2. The girls tell me the tutors don’t help: they are a glorified paycheck and more of a homework helper. Isabella had one very helpful tutor, but she was a professor.  Maybe your child only needs homework help, but if they are looking for studying strategies, and need help writing a paper, they will need more!
3. Adderall is rampant at colleges and a growing epidemic.  Please talk to your kids about studying and pacing themselves.  From what I understand, it makes the kids feel like they can do anything, and get everything done.  This is how they pull all-nighters to get their work done and study.  Adderall is highly addicting, as I discussed in my Prevention Blog.
4. If your son or daughter wants a job, apply right away because the jobs go fast!  They can get a job for 4 hours a week at $10 an hour and have $40 in their pocket every week to spend!  It also helps with keeping balance.  There are a lot of downtimes to fill up and keep them out of trouble.
5. If your child is a sophomore, junior or senior, ask them to remember what it was like to be a new student, and look out for a freshman who may be struggling.
6. All of my kids came back from college with different political views and changed in so many ways.  Let them be and express their opinions.  At college, they finally get to broaden their horizons and learn about the real world.  This is growth, and we want them to be active humans: to have beliefs and fight for those freedoms of speech and protest.  They are so excited about making a difference – let the wind be in their sails.  Listen and learn.  I admittedly had a hard time with this, but I learned to listen, and now they have taught me.  We need our kids to be the change and learn compassion and empathy for all.

Housing & Going Abroad 

To get the nicer houses and places to be, you may want to do it a year in advance. This isn’t always the case, but you have to know the area around the school. My honest, parental advice on this is if you can afford it, buy the house and have the kids all pay you.  Most homes in many college towns are cheap, and the amount of rent they charge is exorbitant.  Do the research!! Also, from my daughter, stay away from roommate drama!

If your child has the opportunity to travel abroad – let them go!  More than likely, it will cost you less money than the regular semester.  It was free for us.  *Bella goes to a SUNY school, and the college she went to in Germany was minimal. After applying for scholarships through the school and some state aid, we never got a bill for the whole semester.* I implore you to ask the questions and have your child look into the program.  She went to eight different countries, while she was there.  Many schools make it easy on the students to have long weekends to go explore.

Also, think about them going abroad for their second year. As a sophomore, they are more likely to be eligible for dorming in the country they are visiting, whereas many juniors have to get apartments. If they are a junior and in a house off-campus, they are responsible for subletting and this can be a problem. If you can’t find anyone, you may be liable for paying rent in two places. As a mom, I felt Isabella was safer on campus.

Final Thoughts

There is already so much pressure on the kids as this is the first step to the rest of their life.  Don’t let them fool you – they are all nervous!  I know it isn’t easy, but it will be difficult for them when you leave, so don’t have move-in day be a stressful event.  Try to keep it light and make fun of it.  It is a very emotional day for all, and nobody is thinking clearly.

It is very easy to let the stress get in the way, but we are all just acting out because of fear.  The fear of letting go is on the parents and the kids, and I know I always mishandled it.  I really just wanted to say I love you, have fun and make the most of your life.  But you never know what is going to come out at the moment because the stress and emotions are very high. Going to college is the start of leaving the nest and we all feel it.

Your kid may basically throw you out of the room or say, ok, you can go now, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t afraid.  It means: ok mom and dad, I have to put my big boy/girl pants on and go be an adult just like you always dreamed for me.  Trust me when I tell you, it is not indicative of how they really feel.  It is just what they have to do, and we have to let go.  Just tell your kid ‘you got this’ and then get in the car and cry.

When they come home, feed them their favorite meals – my kids all wanted pasta, meatballs, and chicken cutlets!  It doesn’t seem like much, but it’s the little things that keep them wanting to come home.  They may want to run out and see their friends after they eat – but they are coming back for the leftovers.

*This is a correction I made because I didn’t realize about the scholarships and small amount of state aid.*

Much love and best wishes for all you folks getting your kids off to college!

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