Metoo: My History With Sexual Harassment

Good Morning All.  Today I want to talk about my experiences as they relate to the #metoo movement.  It may be a little different than my previous posts, but it’s all in the perception.  I hoped to write it in a way that is inspirational and empowering.  I think I accomplish that?  Although I was a victim of so many different forms of sexual harassment for the better part of my teenage years and 20s, I am only going to pick a few instances for today.  Otherwise, it would just be too much for one blog.  As a victim of child abuse, by the time I was 15, I was done being a victim of anyone’s sexual deviance, enough was enough.  That is a sad thing, but I don’t think those are stories for a Sunday morning or at least I am not ready for it.

Metoo is currently a hot topic and it encompassed so many different areas and times in my life.  I am going to separate the sexual abuse from the sexual harassment on this particular blog because for me, they are entirely separate issues.  They all lump into a thought in my head that could be “why me” or “why does this keep happening to me” and have also collectively fed into my trust issues and the poor decisions made in my life, but one I had no control over and the other, I did.

It scares me to think of what has happened to other people because I know and say all the time, “It could always be worse” or “no matter what you are going through, somebody has it so much worse.”  I don’t feel sorry for me.  I do feel sorry for those people who did have it so much worse.  By the Grace of God, I am ok and here to help any way I can.

This post also has a few inappropriate words for children, but I am pretty sure no kids are reading this. There are no pictures in this post.  I wish I had mug shots of all of these men, but I know at least three of them have passed away.  I am not sure about one, but no names have been mentioned because there is no point.  It is not my intention to hurt innocent surviving family members,  just to help the continuation of raising awareness.

A Couple of metoo Stories

When I was 15, we had to move from our second house to an apartment.  My mother was struggling to pay the bills and we had to move from Thornwood to White Plains. I remember my old neighbor taking me for a ride in his two-seated Corvette under the pretense of teaching me to drive. What teenager didn’t want to drive a Corvette?!  It was and still is my dream car.   As we were going over the Kensico Dam, he put his hand on my knee and I knew that familiar feeling of uncomfortableness.  I was trapped in a moving car and had about ten more minutes to go. It wasn’t possible to jump – so all I could do was hold my breath and pray that every light was green so I could get home faster.

This was a man I thought I could trust.  Somebody that I had known for years and at the time, was somewhat of a father figure to me.  My own father was usually MIA. I knew this was a set up for the next time.  Dangling the carrot because next time he might actually let me touch the steering wheel.  There wasn’t going to be a next time. He probably didn’t know how smart I already was at this point or how experienced I was at dealing with this never-ending BS with men and boys.  I had been dealing with it since I was about 4 years old.  I did, however, go home and have an anxiety attack thinking, is there any man I can trust?

The Guy on the Street

Then there was an incident when I was leaving our apartment one evening and walking down Old Mamaroneck Road to Mamaroneck Avenue.  I was just trying to be brave as I was new to the area. Silly me figured I could handle myself.  I think I got about one block before I walked by somebody, who unbeknownst to me, turned around and from behind, grabbed my ass and kept walking. Without thinking, I  screamed at him not to touch me and he turned around and started walking back towards me.

I ran back home screaming and told my older brothers what had happened.  I was ok and lucky I had big brothers to protect me.  They grabbed a gun and ran out the door after the guy.  They told me they did not see anyone.  In retrospect, I wonder if they really did find him and didn’t tell me?   Hopefully, if they did, that statute of limitations passed by now.  That could have ended so much worse.

My metoo Job Experience

At 15/16, I found my first real job at a local convenience store.  At this point, I had become a bit of a juvenile delinquent.  Moving at 15 years old did not have a good effect on me.  My friends would come into the store and walk out with beer and cigarettes for whatever party was occurring that weekend.  Inventory must have been low, and so was the money in the cash register, so I was called into the boss’ office.  I could have kept the job had I accepted his request to sit on his lap but said no and promptly got fired.

Next

At 17, I got a job at a very prestigious country club in Purchase.  It was a great job for me and I was proud of myself for getting it!  I was the club secretary and in charge of writing a newsletter and other various secretarial duties.  I worked through the summer with a very nice guy who had warned me to watch out for the head manager.

When winter was approaching, this head manager called me into his office and offered me more hours in return for some “favors” while at work.  I can remember very vividly the way he leaned back in his chair with a smug sneer on his face and gave me his proposition – he disgusted me.  He told me nobody was ever around in the winter and if I helped him feel better, he could help me – maybe even get a raise.  I guess he felt this was an offer I couldn’t refuse because I needed the money.

I think I can also assume that this wasn’t the first time the guy tried that tactic since I was previously warned.  Obviously, that was why I got the job in the first place. because I certainly wasn’t qualified.  He must have thought me pretty and an easy target.  Did I tell him my circumstances of needing the money during the interview?  I can’t remember but he was WRONG – I refused and never went back again.  F*ck him.  Both these men were in there 40s or 50s and knew better.

When I look back and think about it, I didn’t have any more work instances like those, when men abuse their power.  I had a vibe, an attitude – enough of this crap.  Over the next 30 years, I only worked with two other men as my boss … a tall, fun-loving gay man and my mothers best friend’s son.

The Lawyer metoo Story

One of my “favorite” stories is my run-in with a lawyer.  I was getting a divorce from my first husband and was referred to a lawyer at a firm in Eastchester.  It was a firm that my mother had worked with, a good reputable firm.  This was going to be a clear-cut, easy divorce.  We didn’t own anything, child support was not an issue and it was a very short marriage.  It was a flat rate for a quick and easy divorce and should take no time at all.

Somewhere down the line, when my divorce was supposed to be final and I was getting ready to remarry, my divorce got held up.  Not by a court or my soon to be ex-husband, but by my lawyer.  At what should have been my last appointment with this man, he decided that was the time to hit on me.  He physically came around his desk and started touching me, essentially making a pass at me.  I was completely surprised, but pushed him away and ran out of the office.  My adrenaline must have been coming out of my pores and I had no idea what I was going to do.

When I got home, there was a message on my answering machine.  He wanted hundreds more than agreed upon or I would not get my divorce.  Is he kidding? Things like calling the police never occurred to me – it was another freaking man pushing his authority/penis on me and making demands.  What the heck is the matter with man people?   Of course, I call my Mother, the guru of handling assholes. She came with a long resume of so many of her own experiences with sexual harassment. My mom can tell you her own metoo stories.

The Plan

Well, we devised a plan – hee hee hee.  I called this lawyer on the phone with a tape recorder in hand. I was questioning how he could do this and ultimately entrapped him into admitting what he did.  It worked rather easily – asshole.  When I told him that I had just recorded the whole conversation and threatened him with it, he threw a fit and told me to come to the office and get the papers.  His last power play of intimidation.  He didn’t like what I did – I suppose it was slightly emasculating to outsmart him.   After all,  he was a lawyer, and I was just a young lady in a situation that he thought he could take advantage of – I think NOT.

Here is another guy who did not know who raised me or what I had already been through in life.  He made a judgment and an assumption.  I wonder how many other people he did this to?  So I went to the office with my fiancé as my bodyguard and believe it or not, he looked surprised!  Did he really think I was going to come on my own?  I was a brave girl, but I wasn’t stupid enough to ever step in his office again without a witness.

He very angrily threw the papers at me and I left the office triumphantly – shaking and scared – but I won!  I was EMPOWERED!  I can only hope that after me, he never did it again.  That any of these men never took advantage of anyone again.  Somehow I don’t believe it, but I bet the lawyer thought twice.

I may not have had a father to protect me, but I didn’t need him.  I had a feisty 5’2’’ Italian Mama.  You didn’t mess with her.

Today

I think more women should rule the world because so many of the male leaders effed it up with their own arrogance and penis.  I can’t even begin to tell y’all how it does my heart good to hear all of these women (and some men) coming out with their stories.  It is my belief that this can finally be a real change.

A couple of months back, I was sitting on the couch perusing facebook on my cell phone.  I came across a posting of Oprah’s acceptance speech for her lifetime achievement award.  She was talking about this #metoo movement and mentioned how it was about the countless, faceless women who endured this abuse – like her mother.  My reaction to that was an emphatic “ that’s right!  That is so true!”

My husband was sitting next to me watching some sporting event, but listening, and made light of what she was saying.  I told him he was clueless what it is like to be a woman and started telling him the real deal.  Even he didn’t know all of the things that have happened to me.  I told him that if it happened to me so many times, can you imagine how many anonymous people out there have been victims?  How many people still don’t talk about it?  I think that we worry that nobody will really believe us because that is people’s attitude – they just minimize it.

Other and Final Thoughts on the metoo Movement

One of the reasons I wanted to write a blog, is to start a platform to help others who endured or are enduring similar circumstances to me. How can I help you? 

Another reason I am doing this is to highlight the struggles of an ordinary person who has endured so much but trying to live their best life. We all have struggles and a closet full of “stuff” we carry around.  Let us not judge – something I work on for myself every day.

Please, folks – Let this be the real change!  Speak up – TELL YOUR STORY!   If you talk about it, this will motivate others to open up.  Now you are helping others while healing yourself.  We also need to teach our children so it doesn’t happen to them.  I no longer see myself as a victim.  It made me stronger and I was able to pass that strength on to my three daughters.  Those beautiful young ladies are currently doing their own thing to help change the world.

My mother always called me Ann Landers because everyone called me with their problems and that’s ok – I want to help.  I want to help change the culture of our thinking and this world.   If I had to go through all I went through in my life to get to where I am now, then so be it.   Let me put it to good use and help you or anyone out there that has come up against this type of experience.  To have an ear and be comfortable talking to somebody.

I want to be that person if you need me to be.   Then perhaps you can pay it forward and together we can start a chain reaction that can help be a part of the change. Let’s keep the metoo movement front and center, otherwise, people forget too fast.