Self-Esteem: It Was Lost But Now Is Found

I had a past and I own it. Writing has helped significantly in putting it behind me. It will always be there, but I have a better perspective on it and am a fairly confident woman these days. Growing up I always had a self-esteem problem. In other words, I had none. I don’t think I realized it until I was in my 30’s and in some regards, still realizing the depths of it today.

I always felt left out when my friends didn’t call, thinking they were all having a great time and I wasn’t included. As a troubled teen, I would never admit it, but I spent many nights sitting in my room crying. I can’t imagine what it’s like to be a kid now with all the social media.

The choices I made back then …

I now know are a direct result of that lack of self-esteem because of everything else that happened to me as a kid. Being molested by my uncle at such a young age had so many different effects on me. In my younger years, somewhere between 5-8 years old, lots of other weird things happened too.

We would play doctor with a bunch of kids in the neighborhood. Some a year older and some a year younger. This was in the first neighborhood I lived in. For some reason, I was always the person who would get their temperature taken. How did they take it? By putting a stick in my butt. I don’t remember anyone else doing it … but why me?

I suppose that since my uncle was playing his little games with me, I thought all this was normal. It did have an everlasting effect as I would never let my kids play doctor. Somebody got a set once … it was either Christine or Artie, and I would only let them listen to each other’s hearts with a stethoscope. I tried very hard to deter them from every playing that.

This is actually the first time I am admitting it and not out loud, just in writing. In some ways, this is even harder for me to write than the story about my Uncle, but I am putting it all together at my age, and again, giving myself therapy. I thought this was how everyone played doctor. Is it? Because I still don’t know as I never asked anyone and didn’t have the guts to. I must have realized how wrong it was that I wouldn’t let my kids play it.

Did I have it written all over me? Take advantage of this girl, because she doesn’t have a clue.

I vaguely remember a time when I was around eight and there was this boy that lived in my neighborhood. His family was sort of a mystery. I don’t remember ever meeting the parents. He was some kind of a bad boy who moved into our lovely, supposedly normal, quiet neighborhood where lots of bad shit actually happened. Maybe this is why I get a kick out of the movie, The Burbs, because, in my opinion, that was more realistic of suburbia. My neighborhood was just a different kind of crazy.

Anyway, he was a little older than me and I remember feeling like I had a little girl crush on him. Somebody in my family found us in a field by our house and had to yank him off me. I am not even sure if I realized anything was wrong with that because I don’t remember feeling that way. My self-esteem was probably already in the toilet. How could it not be?

I can remember when my cousins would visit and they would play bumper pool in our basement. They would play some kind of a game that if somebody won or got a shot in, that I would have to show them a part of my body. I wasn’t even playing, but for some reason, I was the loser. What was it about me?

How does a girl behave when she has no self-esteem?

Even when I did realize as a teenager that all the perpetrations against me were wrong, it only manifested differently. I did learn to stand up for myself with all the older assholes I write about in my #metoo blog, but now instead, I was always looking for validation and my knight in shining armor.

This girl made a few bad choices with the hope of getting swept off her feet. I was stuck somewhere between thinking I had to let boys have sex with me or they wouldn’t love me and believing each one was my Prince Charming. Sadly, I honestly, honestly believed that!

I was in constant search for acceptance and the need to feel loved by a man. It didn’t take me long to figure out when I was being used, but it would take me a long time to recover because I didn’t have any self-esteem as it was.

As I am writing this, I am letting out a few tears for that young girl. I can feel her pain, so I know it’s still there. She still doesn’t truly understand why these things had to happen to her.

But I realize that understanding will never occur and it’s a part of me I accept.

I constantly say that I wouldn’t change a thing because I would have taken a different path in life. That path would not have included these same five extraordinary kids and the prince charming I finally found in a bowling alley, of all places. I have to believe that these things happen to some of us so we can help others – my purpose.

Some people think that it stinks kids don’t just go out to play and everything is about the playdate, including myself, but is it such a bad thing? At least you know they are more supervised. I know I am not the only person these things always happened to. There have to be so many others. I hope I can give you strength.

Interestingly Enough

I know people that knew me growing up. What’s interesting is their perception of me. They thought I had so much self-confidence and was one of the popular girls. Man, they couldn’t have been more wrong. I felt like shit about myself on a daily basis. So I understand a little better than most when people put on a good front.

I worry when people have too much confidence. My mind wonders what they are hiding or are they covering for their own lack of self-esteem.

I worry when I see young kids with anxiety. I feel and fear how they may really hurt inside and wonder why. This is why I want to be everyone’s mom when they need one – I have empathy.

I don’t wonder how I made it to the person I am now with so many of the things I have shared with you all over the last year and a half … it was the grace of God. I know I put these things out in bits and pieces, but I do it as I gain the courage and confidence while my self-esteem continues to grow.

Much love to you all,

Sandy

#enlighten #empower #inspire #educate and please #BeKind because you never know what somebody has been through.