As I Contemplate My Life Thus Far

A year ago, I wrote a humorous blog about menopause.  I poked some fun at the 50s and also mention a change in life for myself with the pursuit of writing.  Since I started this adventure, it has also been a time to look back over and contemplate my life in these stories. But now for the first time in this endeavor, I have more time to sit and make an actual plan for my future.  Scary, right?    

It’s scary for me!  I didn’t finish college.  I went back and forth to school a couple of times in my life.  Unfortunately, I was too busy getting high the first time and the second time, I couldn’t take care of three kids, work two jobs, and go to school, so I dropped out again.  Somewhere I do have 64 credits, but they don’t mean much. So be it – that was my life and it’s ok.  The scary part is starting all over in your 50’s and trying at this juncture in life to make something of yourself besides being a mom first and foremost.  (I am always going to be a mom first, but I think you know what I mean.)  

So I made a plan. 

Since I decided that I want to write my own autobiography, I’m going to spend the summer reading other peoples memoirs to learn writing techniques.  I will read as many as I can, take a writing class, and work on getting some stories published.   

In that spirit, I did something the last couple days that I haven’t done in about two years – read a whole book!  I started one when we went to Italy but didn’t get very far and this one, I read in two days.  My first choice was perfect.  

The book …

When Breath Becomes Air, by Dr. Paul Kalanithi got me thinking and then ultimately crying.  This is not a book review, but in the scope of my plan, this story made me contemplate my life even more.

If the unexamined life was not worth living, was the unlived life worth examining? 

Dr. Paul Kalanithi

Mr. Kalanithi writes his memoirs upon his diagnosis with lung cancer.  He talks about different parts of his coming of age with thoughts on life and death as a doctor and a human.  It is a beautiful and profound book that makes me think about where I am in the measurement of a successful life.  

Do I think my life had meaning?  Did I make the right choices? It’s never too late for your life to have sense – too often contemplated on a death bed or when death is suddenly looming in the background.  I choose not to wait.  

Dr. Paul Kalanithi

I, too, choose not to wait. 

I seem to contemplate my life more and more as I get older anyway and I think for me, writing a book would be the last piece.  But if I died tomorrow, I can honestly tell you that I feel my life was a success.  More important to me than doing what I want to achieve for myself, was being a successful mom and raising my kids to have the tools they needed in life.  To protect them from being in any situations I had experienced growing up.  To give them the best shot I could at life and changing the dysfunction moving forward.  I believe I did that! 

I could rest knowing that they will be ok.  It has always been a worry that my children needed me and be lost without me, but they will always have me – there is so much of me in each one of them.  I still worry about Artie, but they will all be there for each other, and I have no doubt that their bond will be strong.  I am not planning on going anywhere for a long, long time, but I would be satisfied with a life well lived.  That makes me feel good! 

Reading somebody else’s true story of life and death makes you contemplate your own.   One of my greatest fears is dying, and I dare say that he has made me feel a little better and less fearful of the unknown.  I have always had faith and believe that I will be in heaven, greeting my loved ones passed before me.  But it is the process of dying and ultimately letting go that scares me. 

I contemplate the future …

Be ready. Be seated. See what courage sounds like.  See how brave it is to reveal yourself in this way.  But above all, see what it is to live still, to profoundly influence the lives of others after you are gone, by your words.  

Dr. Paul Kalanithi

This is all I truly want now.  To have a profound effect on others and at the same time, give my kids something they can pass on so they will know me inside and out.  So many stories I was afraid to write, but how would they know them?

Too many things are lost between the generations.  Stories are passed down, but if they aren’t in writing, they inadvertently get changed.  This blog is my words, so there will be no dispute.  It is everything as I remember it.  It is my hope that 40,50 or 60 years from now my great great grandchildren will know me. They won’t just know a story or two that has already gone through the telephone game, but the real me and the strong blood they have running through their bodies.  

Like Paul Kalanithi’s daughter, she will know her dad through his book and his writing.  Even I feel that I know him, although we never met.  

I continue to learn …

Human knowledge is never contained in one person. It grows from the relationships we create between each other and the world, and still is never complete.

Dr. Paul Kalanithi

I have encountered people from all over the world that I would not have met had I not started writing. Last week I had a visitor, a friend from Australia I was introduced to through social media because of this blog. Mark met my family and we spent hours together talking and learning about our lives and the differences we experience living in our native countries. I look forward to meeting even more friends I only know through words on a screen as I continue this journey.

The future is here!

My life is different now with all my children being adults. I know I have to continue to plan for Joe’s future, but right now I actually have time to think about me.  This blog has been a work in progress for a year and a half.  It has been growing steadily and I am thrilled with the progress, but I did it amongst the crazy, hectic happenings in life.  I had no plan and no organization – I have been winging it.

Now I sit here and actually have the time to plan. There are no more excuses to delay a real push towards what I hope to be my personal/professional destiny. 

As the Special Olympics motto goes,

“Let me win, but if I can not win, let me be brave in the attempt.”  

To be published would be a win, but I have to actually put myself out there, be brave and really, truly make a go of it.  

I know my life is a success, and a book or story being published would be an extra gift. So it’s ok if it doesn’t work out, at least I will know I tried.  But I would be lying if I said I wasn’t scared!

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Thank you to Dr. Paul Kalanithi, his wife, Lucy and family for making sure this book came to life. He will live on here and in my life with his profound words.

Much Love to you all and if you haven’t already – Go read that book – It will make you contemplate your own life

Sandy

#enlighten #empower #inspire #educate and always #BeKind