20 Years: A Labor of Love

I asked my husband, Freddy, on the way home from our quick 20th – anniversary overnight,  “what should I write about this week?”  I have only focused on leukemia for the last 7 or 8 weeks, and I feel like I forgot how to write about anything else.  So he said I should talk about getting away and how important it is in marriage.  So here it goes …

Why We Need It

To celebrate 20 years, we decided to go on a very last-minute getaway.  Isabella is at college and Joey happened to be going away for the weekend.  We left at 3 pm on Saturday and had to be back at 3 pm on Sunday.  It was only 24 hours, but we were happy with that!  Due to our crazy schedules,  we can go weeks without spending any quality time together.

Freddy and I hadn’t exactly been connecting since the beginning of September.  Once school starts, life becomes more hectic.  By the time homework and dinner are done,  my communication skills are minimal… almost non-existent.  The evening is also my time to write these tidbits of knowledge because my days are occupied by my little loves.

Truthfully, we have been in this “rut”  many times over the 20 years.  Even though we are down from five kids to two, with only one at home full time, nothing has changed.  I decided last year that since my nest was emptying, I needed a new career/project.  Something for me.  Well, that something was my lifelong dream of writing, and this blog was born.  A website replaced my other children.  A work in progress that encompasses at least 20-25 hours a week on top of babysitting for my grandbabies and Leo and Sophie Munzer.

Why I Know It’s Forever

When we do get any away time like this, I am always reminded that we will be together forever.  If you read the About Me page of my blog, you know that I have been married three times, so 20 years is an accomplishment.  I have no doubt Freddy, and I will be great ’empty nesters.’  Some people have the opposite problem, and they don’t know what to do with each other when the kids are gone and not occupying their time.  This is when you realize that you DO have to have things in common.  Opposites can and do attract, but you have to be able to do things you enjoy together.

Hubby and I both like to play golf, go hiking, attend sporting events and concerts.  Another thing we like to do is belly up to a bar, have dinner and a couple of cocktails – like adults. One of the reasons we bought the condo in Sunset Beach was for a golf/beach type of retirement.  We lost that place, but it’s ok.  Now I want a tiny house on a lake and by a mountain.  It is incredible how we can become different people with each other when we are alone.  When we actually have time to communicate with each other, about ourselves – not the kids.

It’s the Quality, Not the Quantity

On the way to the Catskills, we chatted in the car while I got rid of all my emails.  I wanted to clear my plate so I could have a clear mind.  That doesn’t happen very often!  I think the last time that happened, I was in San Francisco without a cell phone.  It is difficult to clear your head with a phone on your body at all times, and you are always accessible.  I left the laptop and iPad at home.  I did the best I could on the blog before going and gave it up to God.

Every once in a while we have to put each other first.   I really do WANT to put more time and effort into our relationship, but sometimes everything feels like too much work.  After 20 years, it should be easy – right?  Nope, it always takes effort, especially with communication.  Marriage is a labor of love.

What I Have Learned In 20 Years

We checked in to Honor’s Haven and went for a hike.  We can always walk and talk.  This was our time to break the ice.  I say that because I leave him out in the cold when I am overwhelmed with life.  I am almost always in over my head but overly crazed since the end of August.  Anyway – breaking the ice during a walk and climbing a steep hill to get to the top of a waterfall helped.  I wasn’t wearing the right sneakers, so I had to hold onto him on the way down.  I don’t hold onto anyone.

There isn’t anything I can’t do myself – unless I don’t want to, but I am pretty self-sufficient.  I don’t usually admit that I ever need anyone’s help.  Freddy likes to be needed.  So I needed him to help me, and that opened up the doors for the rest of our 24 hours.  I let myself be a little vulnerable and leaned on him.

After seeing the falls, we went in search of a Mago Tree.  The legend is this Mago Tree keeps you connected to Mother Earth, and it is a place to pray and feel at one with nature.  When we entered the opening in the woods, we saw that there were swings attached to branches amongst the trees.  I had to sit on one – I couldn’t resist.  Once I started swinging, I felt an immediate sense of peace.   Hubby began videotaping me on his phone and was giggling.   I must have looked silly because Freddy doesn’t take pictures of anything.  Then I started laughing.  First I leaned on him, and then we laughed.

We walked about 100 yards more, and there was a wedding taking place in the distance, and the DJ was playing the theme to Ghost.  At my suggestion, we actually had a sweet little slow dance in the woods.  Normally I would think about it, and not say anything, but I just went for it.

The reason I don’t usually say anything is because I want him to figure it out.  He should know what I want or need – right?  NO – It doesn’t work that way.  Most peoples problems are communication.  So I communicated.  It’s crazy how many times I still won’t say what I want or need unless I am complaining.  The funny thing is, that whenever I ask him for something, he almost always says yes … so what is my problem?  I am a wee bit stubborn.  I also think after 20 years that he should know, but most men are more simple creatures.  They need to be told directly, and I am reasonably sure that most would welcome the directness.  Plus it saves a lot of time, trouble and angst from playing the mind-reading game.

Men always let you know what they want.  It’s usually the same thing, but they let you know with some non-verbal cues like a poke or a grope.  Or there is the verbal kind; “So, are you feeling frisky?”  or “What do you think – are you going to be tired later?”  He hasn’t figured out that maybe saying, “Hi Honey, you look extra beautiful and sexy today even though you haven’t showered,”  would work much better.  I guess I should tell him, but he will find out when he reads this.  (Hi Honey)

The Perfect Dinner Date

We made it back by dark to get ready for dinner.  We got picked up by the owner of Aroma Thyme Bistro in Ellenville, NY.  Since we weren’t driving, we could have a couple of cocktails.  Pomegranate martinis for me and orange bitter margaritas for him.  Alcohol is another icebreaker,  so we shared and let a little bit out.  I told him about some things that happened to me as a child that I had never shared before.  And you know what happened?  He told me a few things about himself that I had never known.

Freddy is not an open book and does not usually talk about anything really personal.  20 years later, there is still so much I don’t know.  I can’t explain how that made me feel, to actually have him open up.  He didn’t think they were significant stories, but I did!  The communication continued.

The restaurant served farm to table, organic food and was delicious!  I had polenta with a mixed vegetable ragu and yummy tomato sauce, and Freddy had a burger from a local sustainable farm.   So nice to be adults and not have a care in the world.  They had a musician playing great mellow rock with classics by Tom Petty, The Beatles, and ELO.  This place was a gem!  One of the best dinners I have ever eaten so if you are ever in their neighborhood – GO!

Back Home and Final Thoughts on 20 Years

The next day we played golf and raced back to pick up Joe from his trip.  Once we were home, we watched some football and made dinner.  By the time dinner was over, I was wrapped up in my fantasy football team, started writing this and was back to work.  But we had those 24 hours.  That one day will make a difference for a couple of weeks.  We will be cozier and cuddlier, and maybe even share a little bit more before the craziness catches up again.  Who knows how long it will last?!

Life will be getting in the way again before you know it.  But that’s ok because we will try again in 2 or 3 or 6 months and get another 24 hours to ourselves to reconnect again.  That’s what I know.  This is forever.  It took three times for me to get it right, but I did.  One thing that I learned is that trust, and quiet strength are desirable qualities.  Feeling safe in where we are with each other, is so important.

I know that when everyone is gone, and life is too quiet, we will be ok.  We will be better than ok – we will be GREAT!  Happy 20 years to us!

Much Love and have a blessed communicative, cozy Sunday,

+11