The Bench On The Hill

Welcome to 2020 – it sounds so strange, doesn’t it? I remember when the year 2000 seemed so cosmic and futuristic, but here we are twenty years later. A lot has happened since then with many hills being climbed and obstacles overcome. How I spent the two days celebrating the New Year was a dichotomy of situations, but a lesson on how I want to start the next decade and live the rest of my life.

On New Year’s Eve, we rang in 2020 with smiles, laughter, Chinese food, and games. The next day, I attended a memorial for my nephew. Both were celebrations of life – a celebration embracing the good moments and bidding good riddance for the bad and a life cut short, but to be honored. Both filled with faith, hope, and love.

Climbing the Hill

With the money raised amongst themselves and some family members, my nephew’s friends started an endeavor to create a place to gather and remember their friend. The result was a bench with an engraved placard bearing his name, Zachary James Goodwin.

It was cemented in the ground, atop a hill, overlooking serene pastures on a parkland where my nephew liked to run. It is in the perfect, peaceful spot. A place where you can go and ponder life, reflect or take a pause from the world.

It was the ideal place to have a memorial considering what he went through. Zach suffered from Schizophrenia – a mental illness that gives you no peace of mind. Here, you can hear nothing, but the sounds of your own words and prayers.

The bench overlooks a community garden where every year life regrows. I’m not much of a gardener myself, but I know anyone who is will tell you gardening gives you inner peace. It is a time to meditate while getting your hands dirty in God’s earth and transforming the land. A garden is a place to feed your soul while planting new life.

I believe it was the perfect spot. I bet on a clear night you can look up at the stars and feel his presence. My sister-in-law said he had soulful eyes, and he did, but when he smiled, they had a twinkle … just like the stars.

We all started the climb up the hill, subdued and chatting quietly, but as a family, to pay homage to him.

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When we got to the place of remembrance, my brother and his wife said a few words of thanks to those of us there. Afterward, they requested we all hold hands as we encircled the bench, and say the Our Father together.

I took at least twenty pictures of his name on the bench, frustrated and determined to get a good one so I could read his name clearly. I don’t know why that was so important. If it makes any sense; I was taking the picture, trying to focus in on the name, but still not read it at the same time. I have often thought that I don’t know if I have faced the complete reality of his passing yet. It hasn’t quite felt real, still feeling the essence of his presence at every family gathering.

Then we started the walk back to our cars. I walked a little slower as I was suddenly tired, my husband and I the last ones down the hill. When we got to the car, my Isabella said, “now we have a place where we can go visit him whenever we come up here.” Yes – I thought, it will be a great place to go visit, already contemplating the extra time I will plan into my visits when I come to town.

It was so appropriate when we got back that some of his cousins would stay outside and play some basketball. Zach was very competitive and loved to play. They were laughing and I was inside taking pictures while trying to hold back the tears.

We were all lead to Zach’s bedroom at some point or another and told to take take a piece of clothing that was his. I took a nice comfy v-neck sweater that I can guarantee will be a staple in my wardrobe, worn weekly. A little piece of him, so when I wear it, I can hold my nephew close and know he is with me. The sweater will be a reminder of how fragile life is, to be kinder and gentler to those around us. Most people did not know Zach was in so much pain or the extent of his illness – including myself.

For the first time, I went into the room. I even looked at the spot where he passed away, blew him a kiss and said goodbye – a little more reality seeping in. I will always wish I had done more.

What do I want for the New Year?

To do more! I don’t know if I would call them resolutions, but as I have gotten older, I do contemplate what is important in life – especially during the holidays. As life evolves and the children grow, your priorities change. You realize as your life starts flashing before your eyes, that time is precious.

We take it for granted, but here I am, 57 years later and I have so much more I want to do. Why am I always waiting to save more money or for there to be a better time? I realize now that day may never come so what am I waiting for.

To play more games, dance with my friends, and hike mountains. Those are truly my favorite things to do and I don’t do them enough.

To surround myself with love from family and friends and cut out the stresses that truly don’t matter. I want to be able to listen better when people talk to me. I can’t focus if my mind is all over the place like it always seems to be. This means I need to schedule myself better but have enough flexibility when really needed. It also means that I may have to miss some blogs when life gets in the way.

I want to be more reflective and gentler to myself. Climb that hill, sit on the bench and feel some peace. It is important to me to be more aware of life around me, and help others as best I can. There needs to be more praying for the health and well-being of so many around me. How many suffer around us and we do not realize it? Too many. The bench on the hill is somewhere I can go to pray.

My friends … be happy, have fun, be kind, spread love and live your best life. I wish you all a happy, healthy and blessed New Year!

Much Love Always,

Sandy

If you think you or someone you know needs help, please call 1-800-273-8255 – The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline.

#enlighten #empower #inspire #educate #BeKind #spreadlove