The Story of Zach: A Profile in Courage

How sad that there has to be a “National Suicide Month.” I understand it is to bring awareness to the (lack of) mental health situation in both society and the medical world.

One of my intentions here is to bring attention to the diagnosis of “Paranoid audible schizophrenia.” By definition, schizophrenia is a brain disorder some are born with, that doesn’t rear its head until late teens or early twenties. There are indications in the early formative years, but we are not educated to discern the difference between a temper tantrum and possible mental instability. The paranoia can be visual and/or audible.

My primary intention here is to present a positive picture of a caring, vibrant and brilliant young man suffering from paranoid audible schizophrenia.

My grandson, Zachary, took his own life after many years of battling this horrible brain cancer. I call it cancer because it should be treated as such. The caliber of help given to those involved with this disease is painfully inadequate. There is so little known about the brain, so many useless drugs, and, sadly enough, plenty of doctors willing to prescribe drugs knowing that they will only be effective for a short time, and then the patient will be forced to try another short term drug.

Mental illness needs the same compassion and patience that is given to those that are physically afflicted. However, in this tribute to my very courageous grandson, I want to concentrate on his many accomplishments.

A Little Bit About Zach

Zachary was an energetic and playful child, who especially loved building legos. During his preschool years, he also loved fantasy games. His lively imagination defied that of a seasoned playwright!

Whatever Zach got involved in, he did so with great enthusiasm and not such great persistence. I say that because if ‘perfection’ wasn’t instantaneous, he would easily give up. He tried baseball, but decided that there wasn’t enough action; and, hitting that little elusive ball was frustrating. Basketball was more his sport and he was very diligent and enjoyed his teams and the comradery of his many friends. Having friends was so important to him! He loved being the one to provide them with entertainment. In his teen years, he truly loved being the center of attention.

At the age of 9, he asked me to teach him bowling so we joined a Sunday morning adult/junior league at Brookfield Lanes. My only ‘rule’ with him was that once we started, he had to finish the league. It was during the weeks of bowling in this league that Zach got the nickname “Zach attack”, partly because of his wild and crazy hook and partly for his fiercely competitive nature. I was so lucky that he wanted to bowl with me for years afterward. He became a 200+ average bowler and was the best sport I ever bowled, within defeat, he was gracious and congratulatory – and in victory, ever humble and encouraging.

He loved the socialization of league bowling with members of all ages. Bowling actually became the only social activity he felt comfortable doing, as the voice in his head had started. In support of Zach, his Dad learned how to bowl and kept his son comfortable in public by being there for him. At this point, Zach’s illness was progressing to the point where he was having a hard time controlling his lips. He was answering the voice in his head and struggled to keep his composure.

He also loved playing cards and in later years he was mostly unbeatable in 500 Rummy. Zach was impossible to beat at the Connect 4 game! He was hands down the family champ. But, always the gracious winner.

He loved helping me bake and rarely a week went by that we didn’t do something yummy. It was like he had radar when I was baking! He’d come bounding thru the back door with a big grin and a quick hug. ​“What’s cooking, GMA?”

Zach’s problems started with high school partying and continued thru college.

It was after rehab and a short stay at Danbury Hospital that the diagnosis of Schizophrenia was determined. A psychiatrist and therapist were sought out. Unfortunately, Zach had to suspend his education for a bit, but with avid determination, he returned to a local University and graduated Magna Cum Laude with a Finance Degree. I was never more proud of anyone in my life as I was of this courageous young man.

After graduation, he obtained a position at a prestigious financial firm. He was so happy that he decided to lower his meds. Like every person on anti-psychotic drugs, he thought he did not need them anymore. A couple of months later, the voice in his head became two voices and eventually, multiple voices. The day he came to tell me he was happy now that there were so many voices, my heart broke. Of course, his actions at work must have become disturbing to all around him. He was aware of the changing atmosphere and asked if he could wear a headset while on the computer. He was denied. Ultimately, he was fired.

So, let’s discuss the ‘stigma’ associated with mental illness.

The fact that it is considered shameful, only adds to the hopelessness these people are living with. As soon as it’s realized ‘something’ is wrong, friends, even family, fade into oblivion.

We, as a society, must eliminate our own judgments and educate ourselves on how to HELP mentally disturbed people. They are our LOVED ONES. If we don’t protect them, who will? How do we do that? One person at a time, each and every day of our lives. Stop running away from the mentally afflicted and help them the same way you would help someone in a wheelchair or with a broken arm. One kind word or gesture can give them a moment of sunshine.

They are aware they are different. Zach was painfully aware, and he was despondent over losing all his friends. He understood why and he hated what was happening to him. He kept trying to think of good deeds to do so God would take the voice away. Never once did he blame his friends; actually, I never heard Zach say a bad word about anyone in his life. How many of us can say that?

How Zach Fought Back

In the last few years of his life, he studied different religions and chose to convert to catholicism. My grandson was baptized a year before his life ended. He went to church every Sunday with his dad. He was instrumental in bringing his father back to the church. Zach also went thru the training at Regional Hospice of Danbury, Ct. so he could volunteer at their facility.

He loved doing that because it gave him an opportunity to help others at a critical time in their lives. He was able to continue that for a couple of years but when the demons returned, and he backed away. The only times he would sign up would be with either me or his Dad. When he died, Regional had a memorial paver done in his memory – a gesture so kind that I know Zach would be humbled and honored.

This young man was so thoughtful and giving that I am convinced he took his own life because the voices were always telling him to do harm. Rather than hurt someone else, he chose to silence the demons. Think of the strength of character it took to perform that last act of giving. Zach loved his family more than his own life.

I ask each of you who have taken the time to read about my loving Grandson, to honor him by donating to Regional Hospice of Danbury in his memory. Please click on the link and see the wonderful organization that Zach was so proud to be a small part of. If you choose to donate, please do so in Memory of ​Zachary J. Goodwin.

Thank you for reading this and please promise yourselves to think kindly of the next ‘disturbed’ human being that God puts in your path. I know I am grateful for the years I got to share with this wonderful young man who taught me the meaning of tolerance.

I still expect him to walk thru my back door looking for sweets. I still bake and put in my freezer – just in case ….

Roberta Goodwin aka Grandma

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My friends, this was written by my mother to honor my nephew, her grandson, and bring awareness to this “cancer.” She writes about Zach’s courage, but I also want to acknowledge how brave it was for her to write this and share with everyone. Thank you, Mom, this was beautiful!

If you think you or someone you know needs help, please call 1-800-273-8255 – The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline.

Much Love and Give an extra hug out today,

Sandy

#enlighten #empower #inspire #educate #Bekind