The Beginning Of My Alcohol & Drug Years

This is another tough one for me to write. I am going to be honest and tell you all that I did my share of drugs. It is in writing this blog that I can put the pieces together and understand the reasons why I was so bad. This is my story of how and when the beginning of my drug years occurred. With that, I will be giving an introspection into what I believe is the why; how the timing of different steps correlated with significant events in my life.

Childhood is what you spend the rest of your life trying to overcome.

Sandra Bullock

When I was a toddler, my parents had built a new house on a large piece of property in a very quiet cul-de-sac. A year or so after we moved in, my younger brother was born and we were a family of six. At some point down the road, there was a lot of fighting going on and getting increasingly worse. I knew my father always had a beer in his hand but I was young and didn’t realize the ramifications around that.

The Circumstance That Would Start It All

During my 7th-grade year, my mother would discover our house was in foreclosure. Unbeknownst to her, the bank had liens against our home, and we had to vacate.

The foreclosure was stopped by a judge to give her time to sell the house so she would not be on the street with four children. Apparently, my father had stopped working and paying any bills, and my mom had no idea. (That will be another story).

My mother had a business in the town, and my three brothers and I were all in school, so she did her best to keep us in the same district. She sold our beautiful home and we moved to a much tinier house on a small lot. This house was affordable with the money left after a quick sale and the liens were paid. By May of 7th grade, we moved into our new home without my father, and my mom continued to do the best she could without any support. We saw our dad very little as he was too busy avoiding paying any child support.

The Beginning Of Drinking and Cigarettes

Coincidentally, I remember the first time I experimented with alcohol was near the end of 7th grade – right after I moved into this house. A few of us cut school and ran across the street to one of the kids’ houses. We hid out in a finished lower level where they had a bar and started drinking shots. If memory serves me, it was some kind of scotch or whiskey. It tasted awful, but it felt good and I had some fun for a little while. I was only 12, but this was the start of what would be years of covering my pain with alcohol and drugs.

There are many factors that increase a young person’s likelihood of using substances, but one factor that plays heavily into it is parental divorce, especially if the divorce occurred recently.

Project Know You can read more here

This same day, was also when I learned about smoking cigarettes. We ran back to school, jumped on the bus with nobody being any the wiser and went home. I was sooo dizzy on the back of that bus, I had to lay down and got sick. Somebody must have helped me get home, but I don’t remember who.

Adding Boys Into The Mix

During 7th grade, I had a few boyfriends – yes, a few! It was like every other month I had moved on to somebody different. I was already looking for that kind of attention, and as an early bloomer, I was getting it! I always had a boyfriend and went from one to the other. Looking back, I now realize, this was the beginning of me desperately feeling like I needed a boy to love me. It made me feel better about myself.

By 8th grade, I had a real boyfriend, and drinking beers became a little more normal. We used to hang out in the woods at night with cans we stole from somebody’s house. There was an evening I remember lying under a tree on the corner across from my house and I was throwing my brains up. One of my best friends laid there and stayed with me until I was better. I am pretty sure he got in trouble for staying out too late, but he wouldn’t leave me until I could walk in my door. I was only 13 and my mom had no idea!

This was all happening around the time I had finally spoken up about the sexual abuse I suffered at the hands of my uncle. A non-existent father, a victim of abuse and just plain lonely – it all makes sense.

During that same year, I remember sitting at my desk in a class and turned around to notice a friend of mine a row over and a seat behind, rolling a joint in class. He was one of the class comedians, very popular and a friend, but I couldn’t believe it!

Of course, I knew it existed because I did have older brothers, but holy crap – who would do that right in class! I didn’t have any idea that any of my friends were already smoking and did the teacher even notice or did she just ignore it? I thought this guy was crazy! But we were still friends and me thinking he was nuts would change and instead I thought he was so cool.

Things Progress

Was I more mischievous than most? I guess not, because I was so surprised at this kid rolling one in class. But I didn’t know what everyone else was doing – I only knew what I was doing, and I wasn’t smoking so I guess it could be worse? I was the only one who had a real boyfriend, so in that department, I was ahead of the game. We never had sex, but I would be lying if I said we didn’t come close a bunch of times. I was only 13!

That was a bad year for me. I had adult duties with cleaning and food shopping, working a little in my mom’s store, no father, no self-esteem and the child abuse had come to the surface. I was beginning to go to therapy, but I wasn’t interested. It was to appease everyone else; it certainly didn’t help me. My perception of her was as a goody two shoes, and I was already fast-tracking in another direction. I did not feel I could relate to this woman at all!

Then 9th grade comes along. My boyfriend and I broke up because I was getting attention from a senior. Yup – a very popular senior who was also a prominent athlete. My big brother was also a popular, athletic senior, so I was the freshman getting invited to all the high school parties. Now I am only 14. It must sound like I was so cool, but truthfully – I remember even then, I felt like crap about myself unless I was drinking.

My first HS party was during the daytime, and somebody asked me if I wanted a drink. Except for those shots in 7th grade, I really just drank beer so I said I didn’t know if I would like it, but yes – I will try a screwdriver. I liked the orange juice. I don’t recall how much time passed, but I remember my brother driving me home and again, being sick as a dog. The vomit was so bad, I didn’t drink orange juice again for decades, but I stuck with the alcohol part.

Another Event & A New Beginning

Sometime during 9th grade, I found out we were moving. My mom tried, but it was difficult with 3 teens and an adolescent. She was working long hours at her store and had no help from our father. The financial situation was going downhill, and my brother was graduating from HS, so it was a good time to get out of town. I would be starting 10th grade in a new school that was 5x the size of mine. It would be the beginning of a new life for me and I was a nervous wreck!

Right after I found out about the move, I was telling a girl I was hanging out with and a proposition came up. We snuck off into the woods on school grounds, and she lit one up. She said – hey do you want to try it and this time I said yes. I was nervous, but she convinced me that I probably wouldn’t feel anything because it was my first time. That was a rumor because you definitely get high the first time! I remember laughing and giggling without a care in the world. Damn, I felt good and I couldn’t wait to do it again.

That was the beginning of drugs for me and the start of getting high on a regular basis. The rest of 9th grade and the following summer, I grew up really fast. End of Part 1.

My Own Therapy

When I look back I can pinpoint each progression with a significant event. This was all just the beginning of years of craziness in which I count my blessings to still be alive. Truth!

I know now why because I see it so clearly. There wasn’t anything that could have done to make it different and I am ok! I am blessed not to have an addictive personality otherwise, this series would end differently. There are a lot more stories and hope I find the courage to tell them all.

I am a living, breathing example of why to not sit in judgment of somebody else. You have no idea what that person has been through in their life – so please be kind.

You can read Part two here … The High Life.

Much Love and Happy Sunday!

Sandy

#enlighten #empower #inspire #educate #BeKind