Behind Closed Doors

My friend randomly sent me a quote this week. She had read it some time ago and thought of me. Her intention was to send it to me then, but didn’t and for some reason chose that particular morning. She had no idea of what was going on in my mind the day before. When I read the quote, I knew somebody somewhere was sending me a message through her.

For months now I have been alluding to being previously married to an alcoholic and being a victim of child sexual abuse. I promised myself that starting in the new year; I would bite the bullet and share those stories. The new year is here, but I still wasn’t sure I was ready. Honestly, telling this story is a little scary for me. There is a real fear of getting backlash, and exposing intimate details of one’s life can be frightening. However, it’s a big part of who I am and do believe that quote was God sending me a message and giving me the courage I needed.

My kids wholeheartedly support me in writing this, and there is no need for names. So here we go – a real story about what goes on behind closed doors.

The Beginning and Background

I was walking down the hall, and he came up from behind, whipped me around and kissed me. He picked me back up and just kept walking. I had no idea who he was … but he took my breath away. I asked the girl next to me, “who was that?”

I was a junior in high school and had a boyfriend at the time, but a few months later, we started dating. A good friend of ours nicknamed us, “Bonnie and Clyde.” We didn’t hurt anyone or murder people, but we certainly did some things not above board. The name wasn’t just for some of the misdemeanors that we may have committed, but also because we were inseparable and had a bond.

We went to the senior prom and were together for a few years. Some crazy things happened during that time. I was no angel, but there were so many bad things he did when he would drink too much and blackout. Things he would do after he dropped me off for the night. He was one of the smartest people I knew, but doing some of the stupidest things when he overindulged. Those incidents are not relevant to this story, except that maybe I should have realized how bad it really was back then, but we were teens and I thought this was normal.

 Alcoholism and addiction are defined as a chronic, progressive, incurable illness.

The Disease of Alcoholism: A bit of history

At some point, I caught wind of other things happening, and I grew to distrust him. Again, he would say he was going home but would go back to the bars and flirt with other girls. I heard things, caught him, and we broke up.

I started dating somebody who was the complete opposite – trustworthy, funny and an all-around good guy. We were dating for about 9 months when I got pregnant, and we married. Nice stable guy – but I was young, stupid and needed a challenge. Ultimately, I realized I was not in love with him, and ended the marriage. I moved back in with my mom, got a job and eventually it lead me to get back with my HS sweetheart. The guy I felt was my soulmate.

He Becomes My Second Husband

Before long, I was pregnant again. I didn’t get married this time until 5 months after my baby boy was born. I am sure there wasn’t a dry eye in the house. We were supposed to be together. But sometimes people who are supposed to be together shouldn’t be. That was us. It just took a while to figure that out indefinitely. We married and had another baby 1.5 years later.

I was already questioning this marriage, but I loved the guy. There were many times he would be out until all hours of the night. Sometimes he wouldn’t come home until the next morning. I remember one afternoon when our son was about three years old, and he sat waiting and watching out the window for his daddy to come down the street. He hadn’t seen him for a couple of days. My baby was there for hours watching the cars go by. I don’t remember whether he came home or not that night. But, the vision of my little boy waiting at the window is a picture I can never erase from my mind.

I had my reasons to suspect he was over the bridge at a strip club on nights he didn’t come home, but I would never really know. It’s not like anyone he was with was going to tell.

Around this time was when I noticed my son had become the runner. When somebody wanted a beer, he went running. He was so happy to do it because he got attention. I didn’t want to disappoint him, but I knew it was wrong and had to make it stop. I tried getting him to quit drinking, but that just meant he got high more. When I told him I didn’t want his friends in the house anymore, he turned the garage into a hangout. I wanted to close the doors and keep them all out.

Also during this time, he had gotten hired on the fire department. I had hoped that with this new responsibility he would change, but things got worse. Money was tight. I knew we had a high mortgage, but he was supposedly paying the bills. When we started getting calls from bill collectors, I couldn’t trust anything. I had no idea that we were in such debt and didn’t know where the money was going.

What more could I do? I was babysitting during the day, going to school to finish my degree and working in a restaurant. I was bartending at night to pay those damn bills and would come home to find a house full of his friends. Then he would get up in the morning and go be a fireman or sometimes he would call in sick.

Behind Closed Doors at My House

As the alcoholism escalated, so did the abuse. My ex never hit me – but he did pin me against a wall a few times with a fist in my face. I was worried when the day would come that he might follow through. One time he broke a chair against the wall in a fit of rage. Then there was the time he threw my great grandmothers cut glass vase at me, I ducked, and it shattered against a wall behind my head. That vase was priceless to me, and I was devastated. I still remember that so clearly because it was all I had of hers until I just recently got her cookbook.

Another memorable moment was when I had to fight him off me, and while trying to get away in the scuffle, he fell down a flight of stairs. I checked to make sure he was breathing and then stepped right over him. That’s the truth. I left him there and hoped he would sleep until morning. Nobody knew what was going on behind our closed door.

I always knew when he had been doing shots because I would wake up in the middle of the night while he peed on me in bed. He didn’t realize he was doing it because he was out cold. I would scream to wake him up and get him to stop, but that didn’t always work. Sometimes he would wake up and know what was going on. Other times when he didn’t wake up, and I left him there to sleep in his own piss. It was disgusting. There were other times he would walk in the kids’ bedrooms or into the corner of the room, and I would chase after him because I knew he thought he was in the bathroom. That’s how wasted he was.

One of the most important facts to remember about alcoholism is its progression. Alcoholism begins in an early stage that looks nothing at all like a life-threatening disease, proceeds into a middle stage where problems begin to appear and intensify, and gradually advances into the late, degenerative stages of obvious physiological dependence, physical and psychological deterioration, and loss of control.
WILLIAM F. ASBURY, Beyond the Influence

Everyone thought he was such a nice guy because he was to them. I figured nobody would believe me if I ever told them what went really went on behind our closed doors.

I remember talking to a friend of mine who called because she had a fight with her husband and one of them used the EFF bomb. It was huge because they never used that word towards each other. Me – I was like huh? You mean it isn’t ok when your husband calls you a cunt? What was the matter with me? That was like my pet name … I despised that word, yet I thought this was normal. Was it the fact that I didn’t have a real father figure? Was it because of being sexually abused and the so many times that I was assaulted or taken advantage of that I thought this was a step up?

Getting Out From Behind That Closed Door

Anyway, I was working both those jobs and going to school not just to pay the bills, but because I wanted to get my degree and be a PE teacher or physical trainer. I had dreams! After a year and a half, I had to quit school because it was too much and I had no support. I also needed to make more money, so instead, I worked more hours.

The defining moment for me was one time when I had our 12-year-old niece up for a visit from Florida. She was going through some growing pains, and I was spending a lot of time talking to her to try and help. I had made the mistake of discussing it with him, and in the middle of a BBQ, he started getting in her face. She looked up at him and said, “why should I listen to you, look at you.” He was so wasted that he was slurring his words and unsteady on his feet.

Reality had just smacked me in the face, and suddenly I knew that we had to get out of there. I had to protect my kids from witnessing this continuing shit storm and from becoming an alcoholic like him.

My Final Thoughts and Comments

Long story short, I got my real estate license and put myself in the right financial position so I could move me and the kids out from behind those closed doors. Although there is so much more I can tell, this is where I end it for today. The real detailed stories will come when I write my book.

There was no reason to mention his name. If you know me, then you know who he is – if you don’t, there is no reason to broadcast it. It could be any person, and he is still alive and fighting his demons. For all these years, I have answered his calls to help and even the calls of his wife. Visited him in hospitals and begged him to get sober for his children. I have no anger for him and always hope that he will get sober one day. He is still a human being and the father of my children and another. A child I will also be there for if she ever needs me.

My husband, Freddy, has been right by my side the whole time. He is always being supportive to what I ask and raised my children as his own. They are his children. All these scars I write about make me who I am today … a very blessed woman, mother, and wife.

Please pray for people who fight this incurable disease and remember to always be kind because you never know what is going on behind somebody’s closed doors.

Much Love Always,

Sandy

#enlighten #empower #inspire #educate #BeKind